Is Fear Holding you Back?

Take a few minutes and reflect on your life. Depending on where you are in your career, this might feel monumental. So, let me narrow it down for you. Instead, take a few minutes and reflect on the last year. Recall one thing you did exceptionally well.

You got it? Great!

Now, what is one thing you wish you would have accomplished? Why didn’t you do it?

"No legacy is so rich as honesty."

William Shakespeare

Over my career journey I have coached hundreds of people, and when they told me what they wished they would have completed I asked, “What stopped you?” The answers ranged from someone they spoke to who convinced them of their inability to succeed, to their environment, or circumstances. A few years ago, when I asked one of my coachees, Joseph, this question, he told me about his situation and a conversation with his boss, Marty. Joseph outlined the conversation he had with Marty and how he shared his readiness to move up in the organization to a titled leadership position. Joseph felt the timing for the conversation was right. He had received consistent feedback over the last couple of years, noting how his work on several projects brought about an increase in the teams overall performance levels. Joseph also reminded his boss of the month he stepped in to support the team, while Marty was out on emergency leave. Joseph’s team leadership brought about the submission of quarterly recognition by executive leadership. This recognition outlined his ability to reduce costs while increasing results. Unfortunately, Joseph’s conversation ended with Marty expressing lack of support for his goals, and stating there were no positions in the department for him to move up to. Marty’s words convinced Joseph that he was not ready.

It is easy to read this scenario and blame the boss. Could the boss have provided help for Joseph? Could he have been less discouraging? The answers are yes and yes, he could have. But we have no control over someone else’s words or actions; we can only control how we respond. There are also scenarios like Joseph’s where the boss is correct. The individual is not ready and they need to create a development plan that will prepare them to “be ready”, but that was not the case in this situation. Joseph was ready, I could tell from the moment I met him that he was a victim of his circumstances and allowed himself to be convinced he was not ready for a titled leadership position by taking advice from the wrong person.

How does this happen? What stopped Joseph from believing in his vision?

As I asked Joseph the same questions, he admitted he felt as though he owed his boss for letting him work on the successful projects, and managing the team in his absence. However, with all that being said, our ensuing coaching conversation brought Joseph’s true fears to the surface. It was hard for him to admit his emotions at first, but as we moved on in our conversation facts arose that there was comfort for him staying on his current team; working with a boss he knew for over five years, executive leadership who respected his work and colleagues he had effectively collaborated with on several projects. The emotion of fear pushed Joseph’s motivation for elevating his leadership position back to a wish verses action, and he continued to stay in the comfort of his current job.

As human beings our emotions are always present. Like Joseph, they can either move us forward, or push us back to our comfort zone of feeling safe. When Joseph’s conversation with Marty led him to question his abilities, coupled with the feeling that he owed the team, the emotion of fear obstructed his ability to venture out anyway, without his bosses support. Author Marshall Goldsmith, in his book, Triggers¹, describes triggers as actions or behaviors that generate specific emotions within us. He goes on to note that these emotional triggers are manageable. He writes that we have to decide to close the gap between the “ideal you” and the “real you”. For Joseph, this meant managing the trigger of fear that’s keeping him in his current state, in order to get to the vision he has created for his future state. Have you had an instance like Joseph’s? Take a minute and go back to my original question, what stopped you from accomplishing a goal you set for yourself? Has the feeling of fear kept you from making your vision a reality? How can you turn your “Fears” into “Safer” actions and progress?

F	E	A	R	S
S	A	F	E	R

Each time we manage our emotions, like fear, that are holding us back from additional success, we feel safer the next time we courageously move forward. The feeling of safety comes from learning to manage our emotions, and minimizing the triggers associated with them. Not letting the triggers, as outlined by Marshall Goldsmith, hold us back from the image we have of our future self. Rearranging the letters of the word fears to safer, as illustrated in the table above, is easy. But rearranging our emotions is not so easy. First of all, just like Joseph, we have to admit to our true feelings and take responsibility for our own actions. As noted earlier, although Marty could have done more, the only one holding Joseph back is Joseph.

We can successfully manage our emotions by practicing the skills of emotional intelligence (EI). In order to assist Joseph, I needed to assess his understanding of EI. After talking to Joseph more, I discovered that he uses some elements of (EI) on a daily basis, but he was missing some critical components. I referred him to a great reference book, Primal Leadership, Learning to Lead with Emotional Intelligence², by psychologist and award-winning author Daniel Goleman who states the first step to effective EI is personal self-awareness. The table below lists Personal and Social Competence elements, from Daniel Goleman, that Joseph and I focused on for his EI development:

Excerpt from Primal Leadership, Learning to Lead with Emotional Intelligence²

As you examine the elements in the table, think about your own emotional intelligence skill as we review my coaching conversation with Joseph and how we applied the EI specifics to his needs. As we looked over the elements of both personal and social competence it was evident that Joseph had adopted several EI habits that help him maneuver through his life successfully. I imagine, like Joseph, you can relate to emotional self-control, not allowing yourself to act out of frustration, or elevated excitement; especially when those actions may not fit the situation. Although there areas of EI working well for Joseph, it was evident that his self-awareness needed attention. His lack of ability to recognize deep rooted emotions and their triggers was impacting his self-management for additional achievement.

The inability to manage personal competence successfully can have you convincing yourself that your social competence is more effective than it really is. Let’s apply this statement to Joseph’s situation. Because he lacked effective self-awareness and self-management, his social awareness had him showing too much empathy for his team. Empathy is a critical skill to engaging with others and building effective relationships, but when that empathy overrides your personal goals you end up saying yes, when in fact you need to say no.

Rearranging fears to create safer actions for success in life can be applied to any emotion that is holding you back from realizing your vision and living up to your true potential. Assessing your current EI skills and working to create a plan to elevate those areas lacking, is the first step. The next step is to say yes to fully managing your emotions so you can effectively meet your goals. If you follow Joseph’s lead, what could you accomplish this year? Joseph interviewed outside his department for a new position and has been successfully working as a leader of his own team.

Davi Machen is an owner and consultant of DavIn Consulting. Joseph symbolizes the Leadership of Life coaching gained as a client at DavIn. Learn more at davinspire.com.

1. Marshall Goldsmith, Triggers (New York: Crown Publishing Group, 2015).

2. Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, Annie McKee, Primal Leadership: Learning to Lead with Emotional Intelligence: Harvard Business School Press, 2002.